what to say...what not to say

In honor of National Adoption Awareness Month, I decided I would share a little advice with my readers who have not/are not adopting. We have gotten a full range of responses when we share our adoption story with people. Sometimes there is this long awkward silence where the person we are sharing with is trying to come up with an appropriate response. I empathize, as I too was once that person!

I participate in a couple of online forums for adoptive families, and asked for their input on this post. This list is a collection of their contributions, as well as a few of our own!

What not to say:

1. "I thought you were calling to tell me you are expecting." Okay, if you are still reading our blog, you know that we are expecting!
2. "Just wait, you'll get pregnant." or "That's nice, but when are you going to have a child of your own?" First off, if you must ask, replace "of your own" with "biological child". Even Bryan slips and uses "of our own" occasionally, and it drives me crazy! It really is interesting how some folks assume an adoption announcement is an invitation for them to ask about the "fruitfulness" of our sex life! I like how one lady on a discussion forum put it: "It is just so annoying that they bring up a depressing topic when we are making an exciting announcement!"
3. "My friend adopted/tried to adopt and [insert horror story]... So, I'm guessing this is like telling someone who just announced she was pregnant about your friend who miscarried.
4. "If there are so many babies, what's taking so long?" There is no shortage of children who need homes. It's true, adoption does take a long time, mosty to protect everyone involved.
5. "Aren't you afraid the birth mother will change her mind?" Once the papers are signed and the revocation period is up, a birth mother cannot change her mind. Until then, her baby is not our son.
6. These were contributed by a mother of two girls from China: "Is she yours or is she adopted?" Response: "Both." and "Are they sisters?" Response: "Yes."
7. "How much does it cost?" This one doesn't really bother us, but it does bother a lot of families.
8. Any comment/question using the phrase "real parents". Last we checked, we're pretty real! Use "biological parents" instead.
9. Any comment/question using the phrase "gave him up". This seems really subtle, but how would you like to hear someone gave you up? I've heard adult adoptees say this about themselves, and I think it's sad. Instead, try "placed him in a loving home" or "gave him a family" or "made an adoption plan."
10. "What if he has a health problem?" Again, would it be appropriate to say this to a pregnant mother?

What to say:

1. "Congratulations!"
2. "Do you know the gender?"
3. "Where are you adopting from?"
4. "What interested you in adopting from [country]?
5. "What about a name?"
6. "How exciting!"
7. "Are you nesting yet?"
8. "Will you travel?"
9. If the child is not from the same culture, "What are you learning about his culture?" and "How do you plan to celebrate his culture in your home?"
10. "Do you know how old he will be when he comes home?"