Bonding - building an intimate connection with someone - can come naturally and can require intentionality. It happens over time but can also seem to happen instantaneously. It cannot be forced but merely given the right ingredients to happen. It is two-way.
What is needed to bond? Time, commitment, an open heart...with a parent/child relationship-the parent consistently meeting the needs of the child... But what about biology? Is that an ingredient? I know, everyone who is reading this expects me to scream, "NO", at this point. But I'm not going to. Because it is an ingredient. An adoptive parent can absolutely fully bond with their child, but in my experience, it requires some "substitutions" when the biology ingredient is missing.
For us, bonding with Brett was easy. Within a week, I'd say he felt like "ours" and our love for him, which was there before we even met him, grew strong very quickly. However, him bonding to us, I think took more time. And I don't think I quite recognized this fully until I experienced bonding with Lydia. I think I underestimated the attachment Baby forms with Momma while still in the womb. At times, I still feel insecure about Brett's bond with me. Had I given birth to him, I don't think I'd be giving it much thought. But when I go to pick him up from the church nursery, and he is clearly excited to see me, it feels good. Then the next week, when he's too busy playing with a toy to care that I've arrived, I worry.
For us, bonding with Brett was easy. Within a week, I'd say he felt like "ours" and our love for him, which was there before we even met him, grew strong very quickly. However, him bonding to us, I think took more time. And I don't think I quite recognized this fully until I experienced bonding with Lydia. I think I underestimated the attachment Baby forms with Momma while still in the womb. At times, I still feel insecure about Brett's bond with me. Had I given birth to him, I don't think I'd be giving it much thought. But when I go to pick him up from the church nursery, and he is clearly excited to see me, it feels good. Then the next week, when he's too busy playing with a toy to care that I've arrived, I worry.
Lydia, on the other hand, has been VERY attached to her Momma from the start. She started turning at the sound of my voice within a week or two of her birth. She cries when I go out of view and calms when I come back in view. But honestly, us bonding with her has been slower. It's hard to enjoy a baby that is constantly unhappy and constantly spitting up on herself (me, the furniture, her car seat...) and I'm mom enough to admit it! Fortunately, everyone who has been married for more than, say, two weeks, has figured out that love is more than butterflies and sunsets.
While we will continue to strive for a bond with both our children over the years, this is what I am sure of - Brett and Lydia- one planned, one a surprise - one through adoption, one through biology - one very content, one more high-needs - both belong with us. They may be two very different children with different histories, personalities, and needs. But we love them both the same.
Just after this picture was taken, Brett threw a toy and hit Lydia in the head. Much screaming followed...
Joy,
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love this post! You hit the nail on the head, though I doubt I will get to experience a biological child our upcoming adoption I will be there for the birth vs bringing home a 2 week baby so I think the bonding process will be different there too! Thanks for this post it was wonderful!
It makes total sense that it takes an adopted baby a little time to bond with his/her parents. I agree that Nadia knew me (she responded differently when I was around than with anyone else) even when she was in the NICU just a few days old. She already knew who her Momma was. Although she loves her Daddy dearly, even to this day (age 8 months), if he's playing with her she looks around to see if Mommy is still there (he's getting a complex about that, LOL). It makes total sense it wouldn't be instantaneous with adoption. I remember reading an article once about how children even those adopted as newborns have a bit of a grieving process to go through. Your voice is not the same voice he heard while in the womb. Of course the transition and "issues" to work through are much less than those adopted at an older age.
ReplyDeleteAs for Lydia being more "needy" - time will tell. Maybe she'll always demand a little more time/energy than Brett, but she might "chill out some" also so to speak. I've seen it with other children - those with extreme cases of colic for example. I have even seen it with Nadia. Although she still doesn't have the textbook "easy" temperament, she has come a LONG way from how "high maintenance" she was at first.
Sorry to hear Lydia is still spitting up so much. You certainly have tried a LOT of things to help her with that!!! Well that also shouldn't be a permanent thing. Hopefully within the year much less will come back up.