my first Kwanzaa

One day early in December, Reggie came home from school and asked why we don't celebrate Kwanzaa.  I had a good reason when he asked why we don't celebrate Hanukkah (because we believe Jesus was the Son of God), but my only reason for never celebrating Kwanzaa is because it lands between Christmas and New Years and we are usually traveling.  So I said we would celebrate Kwanzaa this year.

Kwanzaa is an African American celebration of family, community and culture first celebrated in 1966.  It is seven days longs (December 26-January 1) and a difference value is celebrated each day.  It also has seven symbols that represent values and concepts of African culture.  Each day, we lit the appropriate candles and talked about the value (youtube came in very helpful).  We also read a chapter book together about the underground railroad and made Kwanzaa flags. 

I had to laugh when, after Lydia knew she was going to be celebrating Kwanzaa this year, she came home from school and told me she had told her music teacher, "This year, I am celebrating my first Kwanzaa!"  I would have liked to see the look on the teacher's face!  This year we all celebrated our first Kwanzaa!  Welcome to the world of an adoptive family.

a lesson about families

Every year in November, I aim to contribute to each child's classroom a book about adoption or diverse families. I am also always on the lookout for books for home-use, as well as books I can use and share at the Catholic schools where I work.

There are a lot of children's books about families and diversity in families, which often include a page or two that reference adoption.  There are also many books on the market intended for adopted children with some variation of the message of "we chose you",  It is harder to find books about adoption that are good for classroom use.

I like some better than others.  Newer-published books about diverse families tend to include, or focus on, families of same-sex couples who adopt children.  Let's just say, for my professional use, my Catholic schools are not ready for that in the classroom setting.  And for our personal use at home, it doesn't represent us.  And for a donation to my kids' school, sure, but can we at least have our own page?  Side note: I was at the local teacher store and I came across a collection of "20 diverse families" posters.  Guess what?  Our family didn't make the top 20.

I understand the challenge.  I mean, when you consider all the different possibilities of family composition taking into consideration all the different types of adoption, race, religious diversity, extended families, single-parent, blended families - well, a 7-year-old's attention span just isn't long enough.

Down to business on the book selections for this year.

Adoptive Families by Sarah L. Schuette is a very basic introduction to adoptive families.  The text is simple and matter-of-fact and it includes pictures (photographs) of adoptive families doing family things, like baking together.  This was my choice for Reggie's classroom this year.

Reggie's class has been in constant transition.  His teacher was in her 3rd trimester at the beginning of the year and was put on bed rest before the arranged long-term sub could start coverage, so he is literally on his fourth teacher!  Reggie's book probably made it into his classroom, but I can't say for sure!

Families, Families, Families by Suzanne Lang is a book about all kinds of different families, including adoptive families, with a basic message that families love and care for each other.  I checked out a few different books about diverse families from the library for Lydia to read.  This is the one she chose for me to purchase for her class.  She said she liked it because of the animal illustrations.  They are really adorable and the counselor in me thinks using animals to represent differences is a great idea for first and second graders.

 

Have I mentioned on the blog that Lydia is in a mixed age class this year (1st/2nd grade)?  It's been a great fit for her. She is really shining this year. 

 

Lydia's teacher also loved the book and used it as a read-aloud with the class.  Lydia shared about being a member of an adoptive family, which was good for her.  At the moment, Lydia is the child who is processing what it means to be adopted the most.

 

Rosie's Family: An Adoption Story by Lori Rosove is about a 7-year-old who has lots of questions about her adoption that are typical for adoptive children.  It addresses the issue of kids at school asking about "real parents".  I was so excited to come across this book because Rosie's parents also have a biological child (puppy), and Rosie shares her feelings about having this dynamic in her family.  The words and text are kept very simple for young children.  This might be my favorite adoption book yet and I wish I would have come across it a long time ago!  My only reservation about donating this book was it felt more geared toward the adopted child than to be read aloud in a classroom setting.

 

It turned out to be a great option for Brett's class.  Brett's teacher was very enthusiastic and decided to do a mini-unit on families that week.  The day she read this book, she said it inspired a really good discussion!  Brett is very shy at school, so I doubt he actually participated in the discussion, but his teacher reports he was smiling the whole time. 

 

That was good to hear because as much as I want to promote awareness about adoption, I would hate it to bring unwanted attention to my kids.

 

One thing I love about our kids' school is it's diversity.  A kaleidoscope of children representing every race and many religions and languages with even more diverse families.  This diversity is it's identity, it's strength!  And the teachers embrace it.

assumptions

I think up until around six years old, we basically think everyone else is like us.  They think like us, have the same beliefs and values, opportunities, interests, families, like the same things, etc.  And then we start to notice differences.  Guess what?  Not everybody loves the Packers like we do.  Sometimes there is something in our lunchbox that we love and other kids think is gross (like hardboiled eggs).  A recent shock to one of my kids this fall was that not every six-year-old goes trick-or-treating.  Some kids have "white skin" and some kids have "black skin" and some kids have "in-between skin".  (Lately, we have been stressing with our kids that there are other ways to describe people than by the color of their skin - that skin color is one of many attributes a person has.)

A few weeks ago, Lydia made an assumption about a friend in her class.  We happened to know the family from t-ball two summers ago, but Lydia must have never noticed (see previous paragraph) the family composition.  The boy is bi-racial, and Lydia reported to me that he "was adopted because he has a white mom."  I had a serious conversation with her about how we can't assume kids are adopted, or not adopted, based on the color of their skin.

Then, another six-year-old made an assumption about Lydia.  He told her "Reggie isn't your real brother."  The assumption was that a white person and a black person cannot be siblings.  This time it was Lydia's turn to have a "serious conversation" with the boy about adoption.  And, based on the story she told me, I'm proud of her.

How often do we, as adults, make assumptions about people before we have all the information?  How often do we think people share the same views, experiences, opportunities, and values?  Or, the reverse, we think people oppose our beliefs and values based on what little we know about them?  Learning not to assume is a good life lesson for 6 year olds...and 36 year old...and 96 year olds.

This picture was taken on Unity Day, when students are encouraged to wear orange to take a stand against bullying.

adoption is ugly

It's National Adoption Awareness Month.  If you've been on this journey with us for a while, you've seen us ache for children who need families, glow with anticipation, over-the-moon with tiny bundles in our arms, campaign the value and equal-ness of adoption as a way to build families, and truly delight in our children.

But let's be real.  Adoption is ugly.  You know that whole part about his first mom not raising him? We can't just skip that part or gloss over it or tell the story once and close the book.  No, he wonders and imagines and can't make sense of this reality of being adopted.  He wants to know e-v-e-r-y detail about his first mom and birth history, stuff we don't know (like why?) and stuff he isn't, in my opinion, ready to hear. It's a daily conversation we have, some days an ongoing theme, almost always initiated by him.  And if he's talking about it so much, I know it's on his mind even more. 

It hurts me.  Not at all because I'm insecure about my position of "Mom".  I've heard, and understand, some adoptive moms feel hurt, believing if a child wonders or feels sad about the loss of his first mother, she hasn't "done/been/loved/bonded enough".  We moms are great at blaming ourselves for things.

But it's not about me.  I'm Mom, and no one is questioning that. But I'm Mom because she isn't.  There is a brokenness in his heart and I can't fix it. That's why it hurts me, I am on this journey of grief with him.  As exhausting as it is, I'm thankful he allows me to be a part of his journey and pray that I will always be approachable and receptive with patience.  Because sometimes I want to gloss over the sad parts and get to the happy ending. I want to close the book and put it on a shelf.  Easy for me, I lost nothing and gained everything through adoption. So, in honor of National Adoption Awareness Month, I resolve to hate the ugliness of adoption with my son.

on your average day in the car...

Lydia asks, "Mom, why is my skin white?"

Me: "Because your mom and dad have white skin."

Backpedaling: "I mean, because you grew in my tummy and my skin is white."

Reggie: "Why is my skin black?"

Me: "Because Ms. April has black skin."

Reggie: "I want to go meet her this summer."

Lydia:  "Let's go this fall."

Reggie: "SUMMER!"

Lydia: "FALL!"

Reggie: "NO, SUMMER!!!!"

Me: "What should we have for lunch? Grilled cheese or hot dogs?"

did she die?

A couple years ago, I decided not to worry about "adoption issues".  Not that I don't think "adoption issues" are real. I just decided to stop looking for them.

You see, I was worried because Brett seemed to have no interest in his adoption story. With all the books, blogs, movies, and friends that express a different reality, I thought there must be something wrong! But with any kid, and with Brett in particular, we have enough to worry about just dealing with the actual problems that are presenting themselves boldly.  I'm choosing to take this at face value.  To this point in his six-and-a-half years, he just really doesn't care that he was adopted.

A great thing about having two kids who were adopted is you know what to expect with the second one you get to have two totally different experiences.  Right on cue, the four and five year olds are curious about babies and where they came from and how in the world they all made it into this family.  Lydia, who has not quite mastered empathy, and where sibling rivalry is at an all-time high, likes to talk about how she grew in my tummy.  (This is where we play up how Brett was our first baby and Reggie is the only one who's flown in an airplane.)

Big questions never happen when I'm prepared with a thoughtful answer.  They happen when I'm drying Reggie off from the shower.

"Did Ms. April die?" 

I choke.

"No." 

He seems satisfied at the moment, but I know he didn't get the answer to his real question. The one his four-year-old brain can't put into words.

And then a few days later after I've tucked him in, he pulls me back toward him and asks," Mom, can we go see Ms. April tomorrow?"

"No, Honey, not tomorrow."

And this week as we are cleaning up our old house, the one all my babies came home to, "Did we move here after we lived in Georgia?" 

"No, we never lived in Georgia..."

Reggie, I pray you know this: it's okay to feel the way you do and to wonder all the things you wonder. We may not get to meet Ms April tomorrow, but there's plenty of room in our hearts for her.  And I'm curious about her, too!  I don't have a lot of answers, but one thing I know for sure-you were not rejected, you were loved.  You are loved.

(worm)

I'm still choosing not to worry.  I'm just taking it one question at a time and hoping I don't screw it up. (That's what normal parenting is, right?)

survivor blood vs. water made my blood boil

We are devout fans of Survivor.  We have watched every episode of every season.  When Bryan travels during the week, which he often does, and as was the case this week, I don't possess enough impulse control to wait to watch it til he gets home later in the week.  Every Wednesday, as soon as the last kids' head hits his pillow, it is on.

This season brought a new twist.  It started out with a tribe of returning players pitted against a tribe of "loved ones".  Each returning player brought a "loved one" to play Survivor with and/or against.  There's a variety of relationships resented including brothers, lovers, and mothers/daughters.  So, even though the season is "blood vs. water", not all the relationships are "blood" relationships.

This weeks' episode featured returning player Tina and her daughter, Katie, in a challenge against each other where one would continue the game and the others' game would come to an end.  Tina won the challenge, ending Katie's game.  Tina had a meltdown, amidst she says, "I was adopted and I don’t have those connections in my life. It wasn’t until I had her that I felt my first connection”, and goes on to describe the connection as a "pure, unadulterated, complete love."

This statement stirs up some pretty unsettling feelings for me.  Sadness.  Anger... fear.  Sadness, because, as much as reality TV is reality, I'm sorry this was Tina's experience and how she has resolved her beliefs about her adoptive relationships.  I can't argue that her feelings were wrong...a feeling isn't right or wrong.  Relationships are so complex, I do have a hard time accepting that any one particular factor, even a big one like being adopted, can dictate a level of connectedness.  This is where my anger comes in.  My anger is that adoptive relationships tend to be presented in the media as a "less than" relationship.  I am not saying adoption does not come with it's unique set of challenges.  I'm saying I'm glad my boys weren't watching. And I'm saying I'm six and four years into adoption-connections that are different from my connection with my daughter, as no two connections can be the same, but are definitely not "less than".  I would whole-heartedly to my core describe my connections with all three of my kids as "pure, unadulterated, complete love."  Which brings me to my fear.  I am the mom in these relationships.  I don't know what it's like to be adopted, only to adopt.  I can only strive and hope and pray that my boys will throughout their lives experience true connectedness within our family...regardless of blood or water.

my achy-breaky heart

I'm brokenhearted. 

But please don't try to make me feel better.  As miserable as it is, I want to feel this pain.

When I was in college, my heart was broken for the inner-city children of Dallas.  On my last drive through the city, heading north to pursue a master's degree, I pleaded with God not to let my heart heal. 

He didn't.  Four years later, my heart was broken for the inner-city children of St. Paul.  God enabled a friend and I to start a faith-based after-school program that is as-of-today still bursting at the seams - without either of us.

We often get the sentiment from well-meaning folks that we did a "good thing" when we adopted our boys.  Just to letcha know, I have never met an adoptive parent who likes to hear this. We feel we were on the receiving end of the "good thing".  But I get it.  Adopting a child who needs a family is a good thing to do, and in our case it is something we felt compelled to do after much prayer. 

I got side-tracked.  Anyway, recognizing that Bryan had reached his capacity for children, my heart still wasn't feeling better about the whole over-100-million-orphans in this world thing, and the over-100-thousand children in the US foster care system waiting for adoption thing. 

Wanting to feed this ache with something more than check-writing, last fall I completed training to become a Guardian at Litem (or CASA).  My case seemed pretty straight-forward.  The social worker and I were in agreement, and it looked like it would be wrapped up in a neat little package stamped, "Happy Ending". 

I suppose a more seasoned GAL would have seen it coming, but I didn't.  "I knew this was going to break my heart!" I said to my friend when I got home from the hearing yesterday.

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there. Psalm 34:18 (The Message)

 

I am just passing through these kids' lives, hoping I can help - but they are God's children!  How much more is God's heart breaking for His children!  I will allow myself to feel this pain, because it spurs action.  It may be easier to look away, to get on with life and fill it with picket fences and soccer practice. 

 

No thank you.  I don't want to feel better.  God, please don't let my heart heal.

"Mom" - five years

Today is my...momiversary?   Five years ago today Bryan and I - full of anticipation and completely terrified - walked into a church in Georgia.  A kind lady named Alice plopped a baby in my arms, handed me a bottle, and for the next 20 minutes I nervously pretended to know what I was doing. All the while, a case worker was going over a stack of important papers..."legal risk"..."sign here"...I'm glad we didn't have a pop quiz. 

When you are pregnant - at some point - the growing belly, the kicks, the sonograms, convince you that you are going to have a child, that you are going to be a mom.  Expecting a child through adoption was always nervous anticipation - there was nothing tangible to convince me that I was on my way to motherhood.  And then Alice put this little boy in my arms and asked Bryan, "What's his name?" Bryan answered, "Brett", proudly wearing the number "4" jersey. 

 

I was a mom.

 





 

Only another adoptive parent could ever understand how you can look into the eyes of a stranger and know he's your son.  Only another adoptive parent could grasp the image of a Heavenly Father aligning the stars so that this Daughter He loves could mother this Son He loves.  He knew how much His Daughter needed her son, how much she would learn, what joy he would bring.  Humbly, this Daughter recognizes her Father saw she was just the Mom this child needed, despite her many flaws. 

 

 

 

In Jack Prelutsky children's book called, Me I Am, the whimsical poem reads... "I am the only Me I Am who qualifies as me; no Me I Am has been before, and none will ever be..."  I see Brett in the pages of the book, who's favorite things include rocket ships and vacuums, and would be happy if every day were exactly the same as the last.

 

He knows every word to the songs he will perform in tomorrow's Christmas program - we got a personal concert tonight. Yet we have a backup plan should things go array- as they often do with our "Me I Am".  He's perfectly Brett.

 

Brett has the distinct honor of being the child who made me a mom, my favorite title.

Tonight in our bedtime prayers, we thanked God for his birthmom, and for the wonderful gift she gave us - each other.

 

the age of innocence

Today after the kids and I had watched enough football for a beautiful sunny day, we meandered over to the playground in the neighborhood.  The kids quickly joined in playing with some other kids, who were a little older than my kids, and I'm guessing probably siblings.

Odd considering her gene pool, Lydia is always the most eager to get acquainted.  "This is my brother Brett, and I'm Lydia, and this is my other brother Reggie," she proudly announced.

"These your brothers?" responded the boy of 7 or 8 years.

"Yeah, this is my brother Brett, and I'm Lydia, and this is my other brother Reggie," she repeated.

"No, these your brothers?," the boy asked again, not satisfied with her answer.

Again, this time her tone showed slight annoyance, yet complete oblivion to what the boy was really asking, "Yes, this is Brett, and this is Reggie."

And that was that.  The conversation was interrupted by an acrobatic trick from the boy's little sister, and the kids kept playing together until it was time to go.

I liked Lydia's answers.  I hope she will always be so matter-of-fact and to-the-point. 

But I know this age of innocence will not last.  Before long, boys will have cooties, and she won't want to marry Reggie, and when I ask her what she wants to be when she grows up, she will say something like, "a veterinarian" instead of "a princess".  And she will realize that not everyone believes Jesus fills your heart with love and helps you make right choices.  She will discover that not everyone wants to be her friend.  She will learn that some people will judge her because she wears hand-me-downs, or likes the Packers, or has two brothers who don't look like her.

So, I will enjoy this age of innocence for the season it is and allow her awareness to come as it does.  In the meantime, maybe she can enlightened an 8-year-old or two.

normal family

We recently went on our first road trip of the summer down to southern Iowa to celebrate my cousin's marriage.  We stayed the night at a hotel, and on the morning after the reception, had some time to "relax" by the pool as a family.  We were just going about our normal family life, helping our anxious one become comfortable in the water and our overconfident one stay safe.  There were only a few others in the pool area, and as we were getting out, a gentleman approached Bryan.  He asked the obvious question that still catches us off guard because most of the time we are too busy being a normal family to think about being an adoptive family.

Bryan responded and the gentleman held out his hand and said, "I want to shake your hand.  Step dads and adoptive dads have a hard job.  I've been a step dad before, and I know..."  Bryan and I both pretty much stopped listening at that point.

Being an adoptive dad is not anything like being a step dad.  A step dad is a step dad usually because he fell in love with a women who had a kid(s), and usually there is this other person called "Dad" still in the child(ren)'s life.  On occasion (and I intimately know two of them) step dads do become Dads as they fully envelop the stepchild(ren) is (not as) their own, even through formal adoption.  In both of the families I experienced, there was no longer a distinction of "step dad" - it was just Dad.  Step parenting, in my view, is participating in the parenting of someone else's child(ren).  Being an adoptive parent is parenting your own child.  Parenting for sure is a tough job, and there is certainly some extra business to tend to when your children were adopted.  But there is no distinction between adoptive children and biological children.  There isn't his kids, her kids, and our kids, and we're not raising someone else's kids.

I really cannot stress this enough, because it seems like no matter what, people who have not intimately experienced it (either in their own family or a family very close to them) don't seem to understand the bond of adoption.  This gentleman said he "was" a stepparent, indicating he no longer held that position.  All of our children are permanently ours.  Difficult times, divorce, even death, would never change that.  How they got here might be interesting but is irrelevant when it comes to our love for them, their love for us and each other.  Wouldn't it be a tragedy if one or two of them felt like they didn't belong, weren't forever, or somehow were less ours than another child?

We might not fit in the box, but we are a normal family.  Can't you see?  I'm clinging to Reggie so he won't run out of the picture, Lydia is carefully posed not to show that she spilled fruit salad all down her white dress, Brett is sporting his typical "I'm standing here because Mom promised me a treat" pose, and Bryan and I look like we never have enough "couple time".  Looks pretty normal to me!

adoption: a father's perspective

I'm excited to have my first ever "guest blogger" - my husband! I asked him to share some thoughts about being an adoptive dad, and here is what he has to say, unedited.

Daddy with his kiddos - Fall 2011

"Joy asked me to write a few things for the blog in honor of National Adoption Awareness Month.
Because I don’t exactly consider myself a “wordsmith”, and because I need specific assignments to
satisfy my engineering mentality, she gave me a few ideas to get me going (I know she’s rolling her eyes at how I am exactly answering her questions instead of coming up with something on my own).

What was the adoption process like for you? – I have the handicap of having a short memory when it comes to remembering things like feelings, emotions, etc. I can’t exactly remember what my thoughts were along our process – things just sort of seemed to happen, and they seemed to feel “right”. I do specifically recall that I didn’t have a whole lot of anxiousness or “longing” while we were in the process of waiting for Brett. The whole thing didn’t seem real to me until we actually had Brett in our arms. I can’t say whether or not that was a specific “adoption” response, or, since Brett was our first, just a response to children in general. As far as Reggie is concerned, it seems a little comical to even call it an adoption “process”. He caught us all by surprise, and there wasn’t really any time for deep thought. I know we did really have to think for a couple days how this would change our family, but in reality, it wasn’t even a decision – Reggie was ours from the day we got the call.

Did you have any fears/reservations about building our family through adoption? – I don’t think I’d
classify anything I felt as “fears”, but I did think about how us as a multi-cultural family would ultimately affect our sons. I thought about whether or not we’d be able to give them the experiences they would need to grow into adult African-American men. But whenever I thought about that, I always felt that we would be giving them the best possible upbringing that we could, and that somehow, God would use that in the right way as the boys got older. I don’t really concern myself with how others think about me or my family when they see us – I’m only concerned with giving my boys (and Lydia) the love and teaching they need to be successful as adults.

What was it like to meet Brett and Reggie for the first time? How has bonding been? Any different
from Lydia? – I really can’t say that any of my experiences in that regard have been influenced by the
fact that our boys are adopted and Lydia is biological. They’re all just my kids. Brett, has a special place with me because he’s the first. Lydia was really tough at first, not because of how she came into our family, but because she was a “challenging” baby. I’m sure that no matter how hard we try, Reggie will have the “poor me” youngest child syndrome, but I know I try to be conscious of that. It might not sound as “special” as some would put it, but meeting all three for the first time was sort of the same –“There’s my kid. That’s cool. Let’s get to work.” Brett was a little different because he was the first. You could probably throw in there, “Oh boy, we don’t get to have any time to ourselves for a while”.  I’ve bonded differently, but equally, with all three – and it doesn’t feel like adoption has made it easier or harder.

Proud Father with Reggie, August 2009

Have your beliefs about adoption remained the same or changed? – I think they’ve changed. I can’t
remember having a huge emotional investment in adoption when we started the process – that was
more of Joy’s thing. Now, as I’ve seen how we’ve built our family, and how it feels completely natural, I would highly recommend adoption to anyone who asked. There’s a huge need for matching up kids with families who will love them, and that seems like the best route for building a family to me.

How do you see God’s grace working in our lives as it relates to adoption? Has God “shown” you
anything through our experience in adoption? – The biggest place I’ve seen God’s grace doesn’t really relate to adoption – it’s in His helping us survive three children so close together! I do feel that God has brought our different-looking family together for a reason, and I’m confident He will give us the skills and the strength to bring glory to Him through our experiences. The biggest thing God has shown me through adoption is that it absolutely does not require a “biological” event to feel like a family. My kids are my kids no matter how they got here, and I know that’s because of God working in my heart and mind."

Daddy with Brett - Summer 2011

adoption celebration

I heard about an adoption celebration near us over the weekend, so we decided to check it out.  It was in the afternoon when the kids are usually napping, so Bryan stayed home with Reggie and Lydia, and I just took Brett.  We had a lot of fun!  It was carnival-like, with little games and prizes.  There was a firetruck for the kids to explore, crafts, and face painting.  Brett's favorite part was the petting zoo and riding the pony.  I thought it was fun to get TC's (Twin's Baseball mascot) autograph - and I enjoyed spending some quality time celebrating adoption with my son!  We will definitely try to go again next year.

pantyhose

As I'm all dressed for work in a black sweater, grey skirt, and black pantyhouse, my oldest child observed:

"Mom, your legs are black like mine!"

quote of the day

Lydia has made great progress in her color recognition. For example, today she exclaimed,

"Reggie's black! Reggie's black!"

Brett's friend

We have gone through spells where Brett did not want to participate in Children's Church. It seems like a lot of kids go through this, and the teachers have always been very understanding and helpful. In September, Brett started a new class, where there was a little more teaching time and less free-play, plus a new teacher to get to know, and all of this change brought on some hesitation on his part. But a few weeks into the new routine, things started to improve. One Sunday while I was signing Brett into his class, Brett was reluctant, and the teacher told Brett that "Devon" would be there soon. Brett perked up and went into class. I was curious about "Devon" and the teacher said Brett had made a friend named Devon.

This was exciting news! Brett is a friendly and thoughtful guy, but his speech delay makes it challenging for him to make friends. Later during the the service, I had to go back to the children's program to deal with one of our other kids, so I peeked in Brett's class. Sure enough - Brett was playing with Devon. But Devon wasn't quite what I was expecting - he was not another 3 year old. He was the teen helper for the class and he also happened to be African American.

Over the months, Brett has bonded with Devon. We talk about Devon during the week and on Sunday mornings Brett looks forward to going to church to play with Devon - usually "cars". Yesterday, Brett brought a picture home that he had colored with Devon. The brown faces warmed my heart. I am so thankful that Devon - just an ordinary teen boy - has faithfully helped out in the 3 year olds' class and made a special connection with our son. He does not know what an extraordinary blessing he has been!

what I learned

I am copying my blogging friend, Ruth's, idea from her post about her recent vacation. Last week, Bryan was going on a longer-than-usual business trip, so I decided to take the kids out to rural South Dakota to visit my grandpa and his wife for a few days.

Here are some things I learned during our trip:

1. To estimate travel time, for every two hours of driving, add one hour of stopping.

2. Traveling on rainy days is faster; traveling on sunny days provides more opportunity to get out and stretch at roadside parks.

3. Lydia will go down any slide her brother goes down, no matter how high it is.

4. Don't expect to make any progress with potty learning (or even maintaining) while traveling. Just buy the pull-ups and reduce the stress level.

5. Brett is an okay bed partner, but unlike his dad, it takes him a long time to fall asleep.

6. It is not the end of the world to have 3 children meltdown simultaneously at a small-town restaurant after a long day of traveling - everybody was already staring anyway.

7. When staying in a camper with toddlers, always lock the door to prevent anyone from falling out the door onto the ground.

8. Don't let the toddlers see you lock the door, or you may find yourself locked out of the camper.

9. Sometimes a mid-trip seating arrangement change is all that is needed to restore peace to the vehicle.

10. Pinwheels are a lot of fun on a windy South Dakota day.

11. When you show up at a McDonald's in Watertown, SD with 3 very small children and an overwhelmed look on your face, the manager will take your order at your table and bring you your food. You will also be gawked at the entire meal.

12. Brett really likes horses...

13. ...but not toy ones.

14. Even if you pack all the kids' in-season clothes, you still will not get a 4 day break from doing laundry.

15. Grandpa has an awesome garden, and can still fix anything.

16. Next summer, Bryan should not miss out on all this fun.

Dear Ms. April,

I just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthmother's Day and let you know you are constantly in our thoughts and prayers.


Brett is almost 2.5 already, but I can still remember the day we got the call about "a baby boy" -our excitement and joy! As I write this letter, he is sitting across the table from me, smiling and eating tomato soup - one of his favorites. It is running down his chin.


I can't believe Reggie turned 9 months this week! He is doing new things everyday and doing everything he can to catch up with his brother and sister. We are so glad the boys will have each other as they grow, and Reggie has fit perfectly into our family.


I will never know your struggle... the pain... the opposition you experienced when you came to the decision to place your boys in our arms. But I want you to be certain that they are fully loved and we are doing our best to meet their every need. They are happy. And they are treasured - not just by Mom and Dad and Sister but also by grandmas and papas, aunties and uncles, cousins, and family friends. So, today, and everyday, please know that you hold a very dear place in all of our hearts.

With love and gratitude,

Joy

a lesson in etiquette and biology

Just in case you are wondering...

Yes, they are all ours and no we do not run a daycare.

No, I do not have a black husband. Skin color is not like eye color.

None of our kids are twins.

People adopt for many reasons - being unable to conceive is only one possibility.

And not everyone who adopts falls pregnant.

Yes, they are all siblings.

My sons' birth history belongs to them and it is not my story to share.

No, our boys did not come from Haiti or Ethiopia. There are children all around the world who need families ~ including the USA.

Now, don't get me wrong - we think our family is beautiful and are proud of how God brought us together. We love to share our story...but please recognize that we also like to:

go to the store

go to the library

go to the post office

go out to eat

go to the museum

go to church

go for walks

take our kids to classes

play in our backyard (!)

like every other "normal" family.

And above all please recognize that we have little ears listening.

(Excuse me for using my little platform to vent. I realize the readers of this blog are not that rude.)

Reggie is 8 months old!

I can't believe our baby is already 8 months old! Eight months is an interesting milestone because while our son is 8 months old, we have only known of his existence for 8 months, which is about the amount of time a "typical" couple knows they are expecting a baby. Our brother and sister-in-law found out they were expecting a baby shortly before we learned about Reggie, and just welcomed little Hannah into the world on March 25th (Congratulations!)

Not having the "expecting" phase with Reggie has been a challenge on multiple levels. First off, we had little time to prepare for him. Secondly, while we had a week to make our decision, we didn't really have a chance to think about all the new challenges we would face and how we would accomplish day-to-day life with three little ones. Third, which has effected me more than Bryan, is I feel like bonding has been a slower process. Every biological mom knows that you are bonding with your baby all through the nine months of pregnancy and every adoptive mom knows you are bonding with your child who is "somewhere out there" with every phone call, notarized paper, and trip down the baby aisle. But I basically missed out on that part with Reggie, and to be honest, at first he seemed more like Brett's brother than my son to me. There was the instant knowing that Reggie belonged to us when he was placed in our arms, but it has taken a while for the crisis to subside, for reality-as-we-know-it to set in, and for my heart to absorb my love for my child. In the early weeks, when Reggie was napping much of the day, Brett, Lydia and I would go about our day life-as-usual and Reggie would wake up and start to cry and it would jolt my new reality that I was the mother of three, not two. And, obviously, the fact that I can't devote 100% of my energy to him alone is another struggle. But, slowly and intentionally progressing over time, Reggie, has become my son and I have become his Momma. God's grace shined down on us and He entrusted us to care for this amazing little boy and he is fully ours - how he got to us is quite irrelevant.

Another something interesting about Reggie being 8 months old is Lydia was 8 months old when we learned about Reggie!

Reggie has been an ambitious little boy this month! He started his version of the army crawl (mostly leg action) early in the month and has progressed to the point where, when he is hot on the tail of a cat or dog, he will forget himself and do a regular crawl! He has also started clapping - so cute! And I've noticed he is starting to understand more words.

We experienced a little set-back with his sleeping-through-the-night...in my view 5am is still night even if Bryan is already off to work. He is usually taking 3 short naps a day.

Reggie is cutting his 4th tooth.

Reggie loves to eat rice cakes and rice rusks on his own and can pick up a cheerio or piece of banana, but usually doesn't make it to his mouth yet. Meat was added to his diet. He can feed himself a bottle independently and is making progress with his sippy cup.

Reggie loves to "run" around his activity table, chase the cat or Grandma's dog, "jump" in our laps, crawl around and explore, play with toys in his high chair, and cuddle with Momma before Lydia and Brett wake up. He also enjoys going for walks and hanging out in our new backpack carrier.