happy halloween

Halloween happened to land on Wednesday - SAY Yes! day - this year! Costumes, games, face painting, pumpkin carving, pizza...I'm not sure who had more fun - the kids or the adults!!!

(portions of the images have been blurred)

We had a guest kitchen manager-Rocky!

missing the bump

Something very strange happened the other morning as I was waking up. In my delirious state, I instinctively reached down to feel Brett in my stomach. But there was no "bump" on which to place my hand! Brett feels like such a part of me! But I am missing the bump.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the courageous woman who is carrying Brett in her tummy. Does she have swollen ankles? Weird cravings? Is she always exhausted? What is she thinking and feeling every time Brett jabs her in her ribs? Does she have a hard time finding clothes that fit? Will she have a difficult labor? Will she always have stretch marks as a reminder of her sacrifice? How selfless it is to carry a child for nine months and choose to give her baby a family who is more prepared to parent him! It would have been so much easier for her to choose to abort him...but, instead, she is choosing to give him life and a family. Even if I never get to meet her, she will always have a special place in my heart-for carrying my little miracle, who has already beaten the odds!

One advantage to pregnancy over adoption: my ticker at the top of the page would be counting down rather than up!

6 months along...

We are 6 months along! So far, technically, we have not waited even one day for a child yet. This entire 6 months we have been working to fulfill the requirements to be eligible to adopt (about 3 months the result of our change of plans).

But we are getting very close to being eligible to be matched with a child! Since there is no way to predict when our son is coming, we have the challenge of being prepared to become momma and daddy within a couple weeks, and at the same time being prepared for a long wait. My good friend, who I am "paper pregnant" with, always says, "I'm pregnant! I just don't know if I'm in my first, second, or third trimester!"

Here's what we've been up to over the last month:

• Home study revised from Liberia to the US (completed last week)


• Sent out an application to An Open Door Adoption Agency in Georgia (last Friday)


• Put together a Life Book about what life will be like as a Wedan for potential birth mothers to view. (Ann, I really could have used your help! What a nightmare!)


• Applied for a grant to help cover some of the costs.
• Registered at target and amazon.com
• Window treatments! New fauxwood blinds from Grandma and Grandpa "Ardie"!


• I made a coordinating diaper bag with left over fabric.


• Bryan won a sleepy football for Brett on ebay.
• Reading: In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Simon and Roorda


• Reading: Insightful Parenting by my boss Dr. Steve Kahn. (Highly recommended!)


• Reading up on proper hair and skin care for Brett.


• Praying, praying, praying for our son!

Three smelly boys in the back seat...

...all priceless treasures to God.

In September, we took the SAY Yes! kids on a field trip to a basketball game. Bryan and I ended up with 3 boys in our car. They were all a little smelly, and a little dirty...as any 7- or 8- year-old boy should be. They were all hyper and loud and adorably annoying...as 7- and 8-year-old boys should be.

Three smelly boys in the back seat...

...one is black, one is hispanic, one is white...

...all priceless treasures to God.

My heart aches as I think about the value our culture places on these children, based on race alone. I have never come across more "black and white" evidence of this until we started to research domestic adoption programs. The economics of supply and demand have a disheartening reality. While, we are not "paying" for a baby, we quickly learned that many agencies have different fee scales set up based on the race of the child. A couple who seeks to adopt a healthy Caucasian infant, can expect to pay the full fee, and wait an average of about 18 months-2 years. A couple who seeks to adopt a not-100%-white, not-black infant can also expect to pay the full fee, but probably will not have to wait as long. Many agencies put black and part-black babies in the "hard-to-place" or "special needs" category, where there is a discounted fee scale, and a shorter time to wait. Some agencies even go so far as to have a discounted rate for the part-black program, and an even more discounted rate for the 100% black program. I'm not talking a few hundred dollars. I'm talking about thousands of dollars.

Yet, there are other agencies that find this practice unethical and degrading. Their fees are the same for any child, regardless of race. And they encounter the problem of searching desperately to find a family who will adopt a "hard-to-place" black baby. That baby is sometimes, as a result, placed in foster care or adopted internationally to a family in Canada or Europe.

Three smelly boys in the back seat...

...one is white, one is not-black, one is black...

...all priceless treasures to God.

All of this is quite difficult to stomach. We are talking about our son! How do we resolve this in our hearts and minds? We live in a race conscious society. We cannot escape it. We cannot pretend it does not exist. In our society, being white is the most "desirable", being not-black is better than being black, and being black is the least "desirable".

(The fact that Bryan and I are alarmed by this is testiment to the fact that we enjoy the privilege of being white.)

I do not blame adoption agencies. They are responding to the demands of the consumer. I hope and believe that their intention is to find loving homes for all children regardless of their race.

Bryan and I fully expect to face opposition from people of all racial backgrounds who think transracial adoption is wrong. And there are some compelling arguments for the challenges that we will face in bring up a healthy strong black man. And Brett is not choosing to have white parents.

But just because it is going to be challenging doesn't mean it is wrong. After all, our example is Christ, and Arin, Seven, and Jaime (the three smelly boys in the back seat) are all priceless treasures to God.

this ain't your momma's play pen...

Cruise through the baby department at any department store, and you will find endless "gadgets" advertised as "must haves". For the expectant first-time mother it can be quite intimidating! You want to give your baby everything, but, come on! Do you really NEED all this stuff? Where are you going to store all of it?

About a month ago, I started to shop around for a play pen...which is more recently known as a "pack'n'play", and the newest hip term is "play yard". Basically, a portable crib. This I knew we would need because we like to spend the weekends at our parents, not to mention, when we are adopting our son, we will need to stay at a hotel with him for at least a week.

I came across the 2007 Combi Travel Solutions Play Yard DX in Mocha, complete with all the bells and whistles, and a hefty price tag.

And it was basically love at first sight.

Fortunately, I have connections in high places (grandparents and great grandparents) who think Brett only deserves the best!

It came in the mail yesterday, and I have been tinkering with my new gadget ever since! Let me give you a tutorial.

Here is the play yard. The side has removable storage pockets.

This is a view of the detachable changing table. It can be flipped...

...over to the side...

...and provide additional storage!

The play yard comes complete with push-button low-glow light, music, and vibration. Here's my favorite part:

It includes a full rocking bassinet! The bassinet can be taken apart for travel or storage.

The bassinet has a detachable canopy with detachable/interchangeable toys.

The bassinet can sit on it's rocking pedestal (with additional storage), or be carried around the house...

...or attached inside the play yard (and utilize the light/music/vibration feature)!

Not to mention that I got it on sale!

Thanks Grandma and Grandpa "Sitka" and Grandma E!

Brett needs this!

"openness" in adoption

Almost a year ago, Bryan and I attended an adoption fair at our church. They had a panel made up of all members of the adoption "triad" (adoptive families, birth families, adoptees). The discussion topics quickly came to one of the most sensitive and controversial issues in domestic adoption today-"openness" in adoption. To be honest, this issue was our number one reason for not choosing to adopt domestically from the start, partly due to the discussion that night, that made us quite uncomfortable with "openness" in adoption.

"Openness" in adoption refers to the degree of a relationship between the members of the adoption triad before and after the adoption takes place. In the US, adoptions were primarily relative or community connections until the late 19th century when orphan trains began. From there, adoptions where closed, meaning no information was exchanged between the adoption triad, and they were completely confidential through the 1960's. In the 1970's, there were lots of changes in adoption, much to do with the legalization of abortion, and an increased acceptance of single parenting. "Open" adoptions started to take place, and increased in popularity in the 1980's and 1990's.

Everybody has a different opinion about "openness" in adoption, including Bryan and myself! Everything I read and hear about "openness" in adoption seems to be thick with an effort to coerce me into believing someone's agenda, which is why, atypical to most of my posts, I am not including any statistics. I can't seem to find any that seem "neutral".

What I think about "openness" in adoption is based on these beliefs:

• A woman/birth family is experiencing a great loss. When I have experienced loss in my life, at first, I really felt a need to stay connected, and as time went on, I went through the healthy stages of grief, and did not feel such a need to connect. I wonder if a lot of women/birth families like the idea of staying connected at first, but later on, need to grieve, heal, and move on with life.
• You probably won't hear this from an adoption agency, but many women/birth families do not want continued contact.
• "Openness" in adoption is a continuum. The only completely "closed" adoptions are ones where an agency arbitrarily select an adoptive family for a baby, and there is absolutely no disclosure of information between the triad. An adoption where the birth family chooses the adoptive family from "non identifying" information (our profile) is considered "semi-open". An adoption where the birth family becomes an extension of the adoptive family, potentially attending birthday parties, etc. is considered "fully open".
• Here's the biggest one for me: What is best for Brett? In my opinion, it lies somewhere in the "semi-open" range of the spectrum. I know Brett is going to be curious about his birth family, and I think his history should be honored, not a secret.
• We will go outside of what is comfortable for us to do what is best for our son.
• We will not dive head-first into the latest "trend" in "openness" in adoption, as we believe boundaries are a good thing.

That's my opinion. Bryan is free to post his!

Blogger's note: I am completely frustrated with my blog deciding how it wants to format itself, but don't know how to fix it...

but what about "crack babies"?

A legitimate question if you view the news or shows like 60 minutes or 20/20 very often. But news programs report the exceptional, not the ordinary.

I must say, this is one of the things we liked about Liberia. Folks in Liberia, for the most part, can't afford addictions.

Here is some information that might alarm you about "crack babies" in the US:

The percentage of "crack babies" born at any given hospital is approximately zero.

Researchers have found that the placenta in the womb may actually help protect the fetus from cocaine abuse by the mother.

"The very phrase 'crack baby' is, in any literal sense, a misnomer. Cocaine is rarely taken by itself. It's part of a stew of substances taken in a variety of doses and circumstances."

Longer-term studies show that many children who were exposed to cocaine can develop normally, in particular, when they grow up in a healthy environment.

www.totse.com/en/drugs/legal_issues_of_drug_use/crakbaby.html

www.drugabuse.gov/ResearchReports/Cocaine/cocaine4.html#maternal

www.druglibrary.org/schaffer/cocaine/crackbb.htm

I am not by any means saying that we expect to adopt a child who has been exposed to cocaine. I am just sharing that "crack babies" are not as common as we may think, and they certainly are not a lost cause.

Part of the application process is to give very specific information about what we consider "acceptable" substance use during pregnancy. Clearly, "none" is what I would choose if Brett was growing under my heart. But, Brett is growing under someone else's heart, and in ours. So, it is only fair to do the research and make informed decisions about long-term effects of substance exposure. As it turns out, there are other more socially acceptable substances that are far more "frightening" than cocaine!

The process of adoption is amazing in the way it requires us as parents to think about our hopes and dreams for our child. What is our goal in parenting? Is it to have a "perfect" child? Is it important to us to have a child who is a high-achiever academically (not to boast, but, like his mom and dad)? Do we hope our child will have the ability to live independently as an adult?

When we are answering a question on our application like, "Will you consider a baby with light/medium/heavy exposure to cocaine in the 1st/2nd/3rd trimester?", it all comes down to, "Are we the right parents for this child?"

A very difficult question to answer.

domestic adoption in a nutshell

We are choosing to pursue a private adoption rather than through foster care. The process starts the same as an international adoption with a home study. We are fortunate that we will be able to use our same home study, which is currently being revised, so we will not need to start from scratch. However, it does somewhat limit our options. Most in-state adoption agencies would require us to redo it, so we will be working with a placement agency or agencies out of state.

We are currently applying to Adoption Associates, Inc. in Michigan. Along with our application, we will be sending a "profile". Our profile is directed toward expectant mothers who are choosing families for their babies, and includes information about what the child's life will be like as a Wedan in a photo album type format. Many women want to choose a family that will have their same religion and values or live in a certain type of community or have a similar ethnic background. If I start to talk about racial inequality in adoption, this would no longer be "domestic adoption in a nutshell", so I will save that soapbox for later. But, in a nutshell, a woman who is carrying a caucasian baby, or any race but black, will have many, many families to select from. A woman carrying a black or part-black baby will have limited or no families to choose from. Sadly, many women will not have the option of placing her black baby with a black family.

So, after a woman selects us to be her child's forever family, we will get some information about her situation, and decide if we want to go forward with the "match". A lot of times, this all happens during the third trimester of the pregnancy. However, sometimes, a baby will be surrendered at a hospital, and there is no adoption plan in place, in which case, the agency would select a family, and our family could go from 2 to 3 literally overnight. Also, sometimes a baby is born and the agency has been unable to find a suitable family. In that case, the baby is placed in temporary foster care until there is a family to adopt him.

Because we are adopting out-of-state, we will need to comply with Minnesota laws, as well as the laws of the state where the baby is born. Basically, this means that, when Brett is born, we will travel to his state, and we will be required to stay in that state with Brett for 1-2 weeks while some paperwork goes through the court.

You would think we would choose a warm vacation spot, like Florida, since we will be "stuck" there for a while. After all, we are approaching 8 long months of winter here in Minnesota! But, we're starting out with Michigan, because, among other reasons, it would be nice to have the option to drive, rather than fly.

Once we get back to MN, we will finalize the adoption here.