lasts and seconds

Since my last post, we celebrated Valentine's Day.  It was the last formal holiday to be celebrated coronavirus style, so now we've had a full year of coronavirus holidays.

There was no date. We did what has become customary and had a household party. I wanted to have homemade cinnamon rolls and Lydia wanted to have fondue. This time, I did a great job of delegating.  Reggie and I took care of the food planning and prep and Brett and Lydia planned games and put up decorations. We had brunch after church (egg bake and cinnamon rolls), then played games.  When Reggie and Bryan got home from wrestling practice, we had cheese and chocolate fondue.  I think the football crockpot and Packer platter added a nice romantic touch to our Valentine's dinner. 😉

Reggie is so happy to be attending school again.  He ended up in a class that is mostly girls.  Most of his sports-playing buddies are in the other class and the "cohorts" are not allowed to mix on the playground. Still, he says, he is happy to be back.   

The days at home are quieter.  School takes up our mornings.  In the afternoons, we do different projects.  Lydia does piano.  They do virtual classes through Outschool or Special Olympics. We bake, do a craft project, play a game, or go to the library.  Wednesday is still errand and eat lunch out day. We had two weeks of very cold weather and now we are having a couple weeks of above average temperatures. Last week, we met Bonnie at Sonic.  I think it's the first patio-eating we've ever done in February!  

Last Friday, we were going to get fish fry from a local restaurant.  When I totaled it out, it was going to cost $73 before tip. Ouch! Now that we can't rely on the kid's menu, restaurants are expensive.  When I texted Bryan the total at work, he said he'd get fish at Costco and fry it himself.

I gave up coffee for lent.

I didn't grow up in one of your more liturgical faiths where you don't eat meat on Fridays during lent.  The tradition of a lent season is pretty novel to me.  However, for the last several years, I've taken hold of the spiritual discipline of practicing self-denial during lent.  I decided to take a break from coffee this year because I'm in the habit of drinking it all day long.

But I'm allowing myself to continue drinking caffeinated beverages.  I don't drink a lot of soda anymore, but I like tea. The tea I drink has a lot less caffeine than coffee though.  It's a decent substitute for a hot beverage in the morning, but I miss coffee!  

I also like V8+Energy, which is basically juice with a kick of caffeine.  I figure it's better than soda and the kids like them, too.

Lydia was drinking a pomegranate one the other day when she said, "Mom, we could drink these for Easter Communion this year." Last year, everything was really shut down at Easter and I barely even went shopping.  Our church suggested having some bread and juice for a virtual communion service.  So I made hot cross buns and we used a Gatorade for our beverage.

To have Lydia casually assume we'd be having another virtual Easter was accurate but nonetheless crushing. Two of her twelve Easters will have been spent in this pandemic era.  Sure, we could attend a service at a church that is open for in-person gatherings. But it would merely gloss over the reality that we're still here in this strange place which is starting to feel a little too normal to my kids.

I told her it was a good idea.

On March 1st, I started my pepper and tomato seeds.  The next day, Brett, Lydia, and I dumped some potting soil in a cracked clear plastic bin, planted a few cold-hardy veggies in it, and set it on the front patio.  I'll let you know what happens.  Spring is when the seeds go in the ground and we start tuning in to baseball games.  It is a time of fresh starts and anticipation. Our governor always uses sports analogies with his Covid-19 updates.  Last week, he said we're "rounding 3rd". 

Now that's something for which to be hopeful. 

winter blast

I'm hibernating. We are experience an arctic blast that has me wearing my robe over my clothes with the fireplace on, and vowing not to come out until Tuesday.  This is the perfect weekend to plan my garden and order seeds.

We've had a full week.  Last weekend, we stayed at a guesthouse at a state park for a few days.  I talked Bryan into going on this outdoor adventure, with the promise of real beds, heat, a kitchen, and a bathroom with shower all under the same roof. The guesthouse was not fancy, and intended for groups larger than our family. It was what I could find relatively last minute. 

It was nice to have a change of scenery.  We had originally planned to meet up with Meemaw and Papa and do some ice fishing, but those plans didn't work out.  It was the start of the arctic blast, but we did enjoy some snowshoeing. Knowing it was going to be very cold, I ordered a new board game (Trekking the National Parks), and we packed a dvd player and movies to watch.  Well, we were really roughing it, because the TV wouldn't even turn on! 😉  It's a good thing the kids liked the new game!

On Sunday, Reggie participated in a wrestling tournament.  It was...different.  The typical wrestling tournament starts early in the morning with registration, weigh-ins and skin checks.  Then at least an hour or even two of waiting to be put in a bracket (2-4 other wrestlers around the same age, weight, and skill level) and being assigned a mat.  Usually younger kids go first - the older you are, the longer you wait.  There are crowds of people yelling around the mats squeezed into an overfilled gym.  People are strewn all over with extra kids and stuff to keep them busy, wrestling and winter gear, and coolers of snacks and drinks.  It's a full day of noise and sweaty bodies.  You can easily be there for six hours and your kid might wrestle less than 10 minutes.  But it ends with the bracket standing on a podium proudly adorning their medals with a crowd of adoring fans snapping pictures. Basically, a covid-spreading paradise. 

In Minnesota, we are currently required to keep events to 250 people or less.  So to accommodate this, MNUSA Wrestling has set up a series of tournaments in a large leased warehouse. "Sessions" based on age are spread out throughout the day.  For each session, there is a limit of 100 wrestlers and one named adult.  That's 200, so it leaves 50 spots for organizers, referees and table workers.  Everyone preregisters, weight is on the honor system, and brackets are set ahead of time. The mats are spread out, and everyone must wear a mask unless you are actually wrestling.  No posing for pictures at the end; you just grab your medal on the way out.  Reggie and Bryan were in and out in about an hour.  I watched from home.  Reggie only had two matches and he managed to use "blood time" in both - he got a bloody nose in the first match and his mouth was bleeding from his braces in his second match! He got second place.  We hope he will get two more tournaments in this year (a typical year would be around 15).

Monday was Reggie's first day of in-person school.  I could tell he was a bit anxious.  He was up around 5am.  I woke up to the sound of him sharpening pencils.  He had already showered, dressed, and packed his lunch.  On the way to school, he told me it wasn't fair that Lydia and Brett "got to" stay home.  I told him Brett would gladly trade spots with him. (Lydia wonders why anyone would choose to spend a full day at school when she can get all her work done on her own in less than two hours.) 

On an impulse, I took Penny with me to pick Reggie up at the end of the day.  Partly because it was cold, and partly because I didn't want to have any messes to clean up, I stuck her in a stocking hat and had her on my lap.  Reggie flipped out when he saw her!  Then his teacher saw us and came to let me know they had a good day.  I'm pretty sure he thought I was nuts to have Reggie's guinea pig there.  Nice first impression!

Reggie's anxieties quickly settled and he is thrilled to be back in school.  I hope it lasts.  

the things we have not done

We're quickly approach one year since we initially began experiencing the effects of the coronavirus pandemic. On Thursday, March 5, 2020, Lydia and Reggie attended their last day of school before spring break.  We had parent conferences that night, and we brought home two boxes of candy bars to raise money for Lydia's 5th grade three-day fieldtrip that would never happen.  Reggie also won't be going on the 5th grade trip. I distinctly remember Lydia's teacher telling us about her husband who was on work assignment in China.  She told us how he had to get a temperature check twice a day and other restrictions. It seemed unimaginable. 

On Friday the 6th, Lydia and I went to a Frozen 2 viewing and party at our church, the last time we would enter our church building for well over six months.  On Saturday, March 6th, Reggie would participate in what turned out to be his last wrestling tournament when all indications were that he would perform highly at the upcoming state tournament. Bryan was so confident in this that he had custom designed a t-shirt for him.  By the time it arrived in the mail, the state tournament was canceled.  

That same day, we left for a four day trip to Chicago.  That trip marks the last time we went to any museum and the last time we stayed in a hotel.  Ironically, we never made it into the hotel pool, so the last time we swam in a swimming pool was in January 2020.  It was also the last time we would dine-in at a restaurant, the only exception being in June when Bryan and I ate on the patio at a restaurant.  

When we returned from Chicago, Brett had basketball practice on Wednesday, March 11th.  It was the last in-person practice he would have with his Lumberjacks Special Olympics team.  On Thursday, Lydia had her last in-person piano lesson.

None of us have been on a plane for a very long time. In March, it will be two years for the kids and I. Typically, Bryan travels for work about once or twice a month.  The last time he flew was in the middle of February 2020. 

Bryan's brother, Adam, got married in January of 2020.  It was the last time we would see them and his other brother's family.  Adam got married in Green Bay, where they live.  It was the last time we've been to Green Bay.  Typically at least Bryan will go to Green Bay at least 3-4 times a year.

We have not attended an in-person church service in eleven months and counting.  With our church as large as it is, they have not attempted to hold regular live services yet.  When case numbers are lower, the church has hosted smaller group gatherings, and we have participated in a few.

Some other things we have not done but normally would do are going bowling, going to a movie, going to a theme park or water park, and going to any indoor recreation venues such as a trampoline park, arcade, gym, or sports activity center.  We haven't attended any concerts, parties, or celebrations.  We haven't attended any professional sporting events, with the exception of our minor league baseball team in St. Paul.  

We have not had anyone stay at our house overnight, and we haven't had anyone over for dinner indoors.  The reciprocal is also true. Without school, the kids and I have literally not spent more than 4 or 5 hours apart in nearly 11 months.  The longest time I can recall being away from the boys is recently when Bryan took the boys ice fishing.  They were gone before Lydia and I got up and we brought them lunch.  Lydia and I probably haven't even spent 4 hours apart!

Sometime around Christmas, I heard someone say (I don't remember who, maybe our governor) we are in the second half of the pandemic.  While thinking about this being the "middle" could be quite disheartening, thinking about putting this all behind us feels empowering.  And with the vaccines picking up pace, I hope it's true.  Minnesota hit it's peak of cases around Thanksgiving and there has been a steady decline since then.  

So changes are happening.  Reggie is back at wrestling school, even though we didn't have his youth wrestling club this year. Once a week practice is better than none, but it is a far cry from our regular three practices and one or two tournaments a week. There are only a few very restricted options for youth tournaments locally this year and we are going to try one on Sunday. 

But the big news is Reggie is returning to full in-person learning on Monday! We have our doubts - at least with distance learning, we know it's consistent. But we're ready to give it a go, and hopefully, it will be a good change.  It will be strange for Reggie to be away all day, and I suspect Monday will feel like a very long day for Brett, Lydia, and I!  

And Reggie's guinea pig, who is used to "going" to school with him.

unintentional does not mean unharmful

My mom sent a birthday card in the mail to Brett last month.  It had a Caucasian figure on the front that my mom had colored brown.  We all giggled about it, but at the same time, appreciated the gesture.  Not that we would have taken offence to the Caucasian figure, but we thought it was endearing that she noticed and recognize that representation matters. 

We participated in a couple of virtual events in honor of Martin Luther King Jr Day yesterday and I have been reflecting on the wisdom of these black leaders in our community. Often, when I have brought attention to situations where there was the likelihood that there a racial slight, my well-meaning white friends or family have said something like "Oh, it probably wasn't meant that way" or "I'm sure it was unintentional."  This is where us white people need to be careful.  I didn't understand, and am seriously just learning with my feet on the ground, that intention really has nothing to do with impact.  Being slighted based on your race over and over again has an erosive effect on a person's well-being.

Here is a sample of perceived racial slights we have experienced in our thirteen years on this journey. It's entirely possible that some of these were not based on race and I'm not saying that each, separately, is a big deal.  I'm just putting them out there as food for thought.

1. When my kids were toddlers, I had them all in my shopping cart at a craft store.  The cashier asked me if I ran out of chocolate milk.

2. When any combination of our kids were in a double stroller, we would regularly get asked if they were twins.

3.  Now that my kids are older, the boys still regularly get asked if they are twins, even though they don't look anything alike except for height and skin color (kind of like brothers would look😏).

4. I was a counselor at a new school one year and while chatting with one of the teachers, we learned that we were both adoptive mothers.  She had adopted her child through international adoption.  When I told her I adopted a baby domestically, she responded with surprise, "Wow, a white baby?"  Boy, did she eat her words! And we became good friends.

5. When I took Reggie to a new clinic, the doctor came in the room and rudely asked me to identify myself.  It was the last time we went to that clinic.

6. When Brett was about five and Reggie was about three, I had to use the bathroom at a gas station.  They were too young to leave by themselves, but still I wanted a little privacy, so I told them to stand by the sink while I went in one of the stalls.  I don't know for sure what happened next, but shortly after, a lady came out of the stall next to me and yelled at Brett, calling him a "sick peeper".

7. When my son was in first grade, he reportedly said something to a classmate that sounded like "I have a gun in my backpack." The school went into full crisis-response mode, his backpack was searched and they found nothing, and he was suspended.  When I went to the school to get him, I was told he "confessed and expressed remorse".  No one took into account that he had an articulation disorder and a language processing disorder.  Nor did they know that, being opposed to violence and aware of the dangers of black boys with toy guns, we had always used the words shooter or squirter to describe water or nerf toys.  Until that day when we had to talk about guns.

7. My boys are constantly met with high of expectations on the field and low of expectations in the classroom.  Both are harmful. 

8. This one is more related to adoption, but still applies.  When we were going through a special education reevaluation, the school psychologist repeated told us how "lucky" our son was to have us for parents, the implication being his birthparents wouldn't have advocated for him.

9. When Reggie was about six or seven and playing flag football, I arrived late to a game and accidently sat with the wrong set of parents.  When there was a break in the play, I overheard the dad next to me tell his white son to get the "big black dude."

10. Have you ever received a hand-written letter from your white kid's guest teacher gushing about how well-behaved she was? Neither have I.🙄

11. This fall, Reggie and I went in to get his glasses adjusted and the gentleman helping us guessed out loud that Reggie was 15 years old.

12.  It's true.  People assume it's okay and normal to put their hands on black hair out of curiosity. (It's not.)

13. Here I'm going to be vague on purpose for privacy.  One time I was home alone with one of my boys and I needed immediate help to keep him safe.  Bryan was a thirty minute drive away and my neighbor wasn't answering the door.  So I did what most white parents would do.  I called the police for help.  When the officers arrived, I was told not to bother them with domestic issues.  

14. Have you ever noticed that the curtain on the school stage behind the concert risers is a dark color?  I have, because I can never get a good picture of my tall kids on the top riser.

15.  It feels like our boys get picked as a "representative" more than what would happen in a random draw.  Okay, so sometimes this works in their favor.  But not always.  Recently, Reggie's ballclub was given a charity donation of expensive baseball gloves with the intention that the gloves would be given to "impoverished inner-city youth". To keep this story brief, it was Reggie's picture that was posted all over social media to promote the company and their generous donation.  Reggie was the only black kid at practice the night the president of our ballclub decided to take pictures.

16. Our kids are old enough to explore the neighborhood on their own.  But there's a neighbor that concerns me.  She tends to interrogate them unnecessarily. 

17. Picture an NBA player in your head.  Odds are, he's black.  But up until a recent edition of an NBA video game my kids like to play, when you created your own player, you were randomly given a skin color that was usually white.

18. Admittedly, wrestling is a more white-dominated sport.  But it's pretty easy to make wrestlers on awards, publications, or t-shirts race-neutral. Make it a silhouette! 

I might need to borrow my mom's crayon.